The Flash Ain't No Superhero

Emergency Exit

I recently flew on an airplane in the emergency exit row and thought to myself, this is a dangerous place for a menopausal woman to be.  Why, do you ask?  Well gather round, children, while I tell you the story of the hormonally deranged mind that has developed in my Clairol honey-brown colored head. 

Now I don't claim to speak for all 50-something women, but let me describe to you the progression of my particular brand of hot flash.  First I just notice I feel uncomfortable.  So my first thought is, "I must be hungry!"  A few seconds later heat starts to work its way to my face, neck, and feet.  I then realize it's a hot flash.  I determine how many items of clothing I can decently strip off knowing that the heat will work it's way to the rest of my body.  This is, of course, determined by my surroundings. Church, grocery store or other public area: Coat and sweater.  Friend's home with mixed company: Sweater and shoes.  Good friend's home with all girls: Sweater, shoes, socks and outer shirt if I'm wearing a tank top.  Home: Whatever is necessary.   UPS man and door-to-door evangelists beware.  Side note: I've taken to wearing zip-up sweatshirts almost exclusively to avoid the overhead disrobing muffin top reveal and hair mussing.

Moving on, the next necessary action after stripping off the most possible clothing is finding a fan to fan  my neck area where I am sure I have spontaneously combusted.  I keep an actual hand fan on my desk given to me by my thoughtful brother and sister-in-law, but any piece of paper will do.  My church bulletin works nicely as do checkbooks, newspapers or as a last resort, fast food napkins.  If at home I usually have a slow dance with the fridge door with my face pressed lovingly against the butter compartment door.  Heavenly.  Once while checking out at the grocery store I started flashing (heat, not trench coat creepiness) and held each cold item up to my cheek before placing it on the belt.  After nuzzling each and every item I turned to see a young man behind me in line looking frightened at the kook in front of him.  I lamely said, "I'm really hot." 

If anyone touches me during this firestorm, woe to him for I become a fire-breathing dragon.  The thought of someone else adding even a nanometric degree of heat just about sends me over the volcanic edge.  My poor hubby has born the brunt of too many, "Don't touch me!" barks.

After 2 to 3 minutes the heat starts subsiding and my sanity slowly seeps back in.  Even though I now know that I wasn't uncomfortable because of hunger, I've already sent the cows out to graze and there's no getting them back until the fat lady sings, uh, I mean until they come home. 

There you have it.  I experience those 4 to 12 times per day, 2 to 4 times per night, every day and every night for the last 2 3/4 years.* 

Back to the emergency exit row.  As I was sitting there and had one of my hot flashes, I looked longingly at the "Pull" lever and thought of the lovely cool air that would wash over my face when I pulled it.  It was tempting, oh so tempting.  Thankfully I still retain a little bit of sanity and besides, I didn't want to mess up my hair. 

While I was writing this I had 2 hot flashes and ate chicken 'n' dumplings and  Christmas cookies. 


*When I injured my back I got a 3-week hiatus from hot flashes.  They slowly returned until they were up to full speed ahead again.

Interlude

The Sound of Silence

I've been silent for 3 months because of the tragic death of a stellar young man and friend in our community.  I couldn't bring myself to prattle superficially when words of profound comfort were needed.  I also couldn't bring myself to write about the loss because it's not my pain to own.  Mine is a stubbed toe compared to the avalanche of pain that has buried his family.  I pray for them to reach a little closer to the surface every day.

I'm Back

If you read my previous blog you may be wondering if my back is better.  Healed?  No.  Functioning at a reduced capacity?  Yes.  I've returned to teaching 2 dance cardio classes a week and lifting 50 lb feed bags (though verrrry cautiously).  I don't have constant pain, but I'm reminded of my injury every day with twinges and tightness. 

I'm reminded daily to find my satisfaction in God because I can't just do what I want when I want. 

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.  Psalm 90:14-15

Desperado

Ouch

I blame my pastor.  Is that the opposite of saying, "The devil made me do it?"  Okay, let me back up. 

I woke up Sunday morning with a bit of a sore back, but nothing out of the ordinary for this quickly deteriorating body.  However, after church I made a poor decision to dig out compost from the great pile 'o' poop in the goat pen Sunday afternoon.  I came in very sore and suddenly unable to put my pants on.  It was exacerbated throughout the day until I was a complete invalid, shrieking in pain at any movement that involved my spine.  I have never experienced pain like this.  Even the most basic of human needs, using the bathroom, became a journey of exquisite torture. 

After 48 hours on my back in bed I was incrementally better - well enough to sit up on the couch.  However, the littlest of movements still caused sharp pain, so not only did Bill have to help me with my activities of daily living (medical jargon for feeding, clothing and bathing oneself), but he also had to pick up all my chores.  These included caring for goats, chickens and cat and all the tender plants we had just planted, plus picking ripening fruit.  And don't forget my daily chore of nagging the son.  I would've needed a megaphone to do that from my bed. 

Since I have been unable to bend down for anything, I actually have gotten quite dexterous at using my toes.  These are my newly acquired pedally-motored skills: sorting laundry, picking up clothes off the floor, petting the cat, pulling out the dishwasher rack, pulling weeds, and even texting! 

So, back to my initial statement.  I blame my pastor because of the sermon he gave that morning.  It was innocently enough titled, "The Filling of the Holy Spirit 2."  (I missed Holy Spirit 1 so I couldn't tell you what it was about, but if it was directed by J.J. Abrams I'm sure it was a blockbuster.)  The premise was that receiving the Holy Spirit at the point of salvation was not the same as being filled with the Spirit.  Then he gave the steps to being filled:
1. Repent in regard to Jesus (if you haven't already).
2. Repent in regard to sin: renounce your sin and indulgences. Turn away from them.
3. Be obedient - marked by surrender.
4. Desire more.  We must be unsatisfied before God will satisfy us, and here's the kicker - we must be desperate before God can fill us. 

It's that word, "desperate," I blame him for.  I've never felt more desperate than I have lying on my back, totally helpless to even roll over without excruciating pain.  Desperate to make the pain go away. Desperate to get up and take a hot shower.  Desperate to take care of myself.  Desperate to walk outside. Desperate to have my body functioning at the normal frantic pace I keep.  Desperate to do what I want to do.  That's the point, isn't it?  Sometimes God needs to yank the rug out from under us to drag our attention away from ourselves.  And I landed flat on my back. 

One of my biggest frustrations with injuries is having to stop my usual exercise.  Not only do I hate to have my muscles atrophy, but I was also teaching two dance cardio classes a week and about to start a third.  I have to admit that I obsess about my body in an unhealthy way.  I read these verses this morning:

"Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."  1 Timothy 4:7-8

What?  You mean focus on eternal things rather than superficial?  But it's so much easier to focus on what is in front of me.  Something we always say at our house is, "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."  And going back to #4, there's that part about being unsatisfied so God can fill us.  Remember that refrain that moms everywhere tell their kids?  "Don't fill up on junk before dinner!"  Why?  Because we want them to be filled with the good stuff that will give them energy, help them grow and be healthy.  We want them to come to the table unsatisfied so we can satisfy their hunger in a way that is best for them and their future. 

Bear with me while I take this analogy a little further.  Imagine mom (June) does not warn child (Dick) to wait for dinner.  Dick eats two Ding Dongs and a bowl of Captain Crunch one hour before dinner.  June sets a lovely dinner before Dick containing the 4 Food Groups (I was raised in the 70s, y'all), and he just picks at it and eats a little.  Is Dick satisfied?  Sure.  But the sugary food will leave him short of what he needs to grow and be healthy, and increase their dental bill to boot. If he had waited until dinner time, he would have been desperate for food and eaten all he needed.

Eight Weeks Later...

It has been 8 weeks since the injury and I thought by now I would have some pat, clever and sagely witty ending to this story.  Alas, I don't.  I still sit here with mostly bearable twinges of pain, unsure how to progress physically, and awaiting a spiritual lightning bolt that would rouse choruses of Praise the Lord!   Until then, my prayer will be this from Psalm 90:14-15:

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble. 

Call Me Old Fashioned

Ma Bell

Remember the good ol' days when there were operators sitting at a large console counting, "One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy?"  Okay, I don't either, but I do remember dialing 7 numbers to call my friends, and it stunk if they had a lot of 9s and 0s in their numbers because if your finger slipped you had to start all over again.  And in every teenage-infested American household could be heard some form of this plea: "Get off the phone!"  (Many with an added expletive to emphasize their exasperation.)  You see, young ones, only one person in each household could be on the phone at one time.  I know, an impossible scenario to imagine but it's true.  So if there were 3 or more girls per house, there would be some serious cat fighting for phone time.  Nowadays you can insult your sister by text in the next room while sending cute pics of yourself to your boyfriend and scan your Likes on Facebook all at the same time.  What progress!

These telephonic ponderings were brought on by a call to our phone/internet/cable carrier to try to lower our bill.  Everything is "bundled" these days for a "lower price," so I was wondering what our cost would be if we eliminated our land line.  I admit that I'm attached to it like an umbilical lifeline.  I can't imagine my house without the phone hooked up to actual cables that attach to our house.  I have many good reasons why we should keep it.

1.  In case of emergency, we know it doesn't have to be charged so it will always be there.
2.  We've had this number for 14 years so if someone we haven't seen in a long time decides to try to get ahold of us they have the same number.
3.  If everyone got rid of their land lines then there could be no more thrillers in which the bad guy cuts the phone lines so the poor helpless inhabitant can freak out. And remember When A Stranger Calls?  Only the best thriller ever.  At least for those of us who ever babysat.
4.  It gives the telemarketers someone to torture.

So despite my fear of progress, I posed the question.  The young man -- I'll call him Melvin -- informed me I could cut $12 off my bill by going to a "basic" phone that allowed for free incoming calls and 5 cents a minute for all outgoing calls in Oregon.
Me:  That sounds good.  How much for calls outside of Oregon?
Mel: I don't know.
Me:  Uh, that's not going to do it for me.  I need to know how much I'll be charged to use my phone.
Mel: Uhhh...
Me:  Can you perhaps ask someone?
Mel:  Okay.
10 minutes later...
Mel: So it looks like all outgoing calls are 5 cents a minute, I think.
Me: You think?
Mel:  Yeah.
Me:  (Sigh), okay. Let's do it.  But before that can you tell me why my bill went up to $121?
Mel: I show that the last bill you paid was $119.
Me: Okay, well I can't find that one.  All I know is for February and March I was charged $121.
Mel: So you want to pay $2.00 more?
Me: No, I want to know why I was charged $2.00 more. 
Mel: I don't know.  I can only see your last bill. 
Me: But surely you have the information somewhere.  I mean, you are my telephone and internet company and you specialize in communication, right?
Mel: I'm sorry, ma'am but I can only see this one bill.  But I don't understand, do you want to pay $2.00 more?
Me:  Nevermind.  Thanks.

See how far we've come!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

All My Chickens

After two months of nonreality, I'm back in my own reality show, Fake Farmer.  Thankfully there are no actual cameras following me around.  If so, they would catch me talking to my animals, singing hymns while I dig in the dirt, and stomping around in my black rubber boots and shorts so old and ugly, Bill would burn them in a second if he could.  Top that off with a stretched out, stained tank top and a yellow headband, circa 1973, to hold my mop of hair out of my face.  Woo-eee, what a babe. Of course, no one would watch anyway.   The only dirt stirred up around here is in the garden.  Well, there was the one scandalous time...no I couldn't...well, okay.  You see, Maren the hen had a thing going with Richard the Rooster.  They had a nice little love nest.  However, when Maren was busy sitting on the eggs, Richard started ANOTHER love nest with Hueva.  But Hueva actually had a love chick with the neighbor's rooster, Robert.  The feathers really hit the fan in Cooperstown.  And don't even get me started on Henny's evil twin, Penny.

The Curse

So as I was toiling outside in my foxy outfit, I started thinking about Genesis Chapter 3 in which God hands out the three curses after the big hoo-ha in the Garden of Eden (hoo-ha being original sin and the fall of man).  First, the serpent loses his legs and has to eat the dust of the earth.  Second, Eve is told, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." Gen 3:16.  Third, Adam is told, "Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food...." Gen. 3:17b-19a.

So I understand first-hand the women's curse, having had the privilege of delivering two babies.  My husband will even tell you that I was cursing Eve while delivering my pumpkin-headed, barrel-chested boy.  You get the picture.  I'm really not being facetious when I say it was a privilege.  If given the chance, I would do it again in a second, but it did hurt.  Sooo, why then, when I garden do I have to deal with thorns, thistles, sweat on my brow, etc.?  That was the man's curse.  I mean you don't see men suffering while we deliver babies.  Okay, I'll give you the preceding 9 months of crankiness, irrational tears and the oft-uttered question that husbands fear the most, "Do I look fat?", may inflict a little grief, but come on, that's not fair. 

I have found that there's a pest and disease for everything I grow, and somehow it finds its way to my little plot of land.  Even when I lived in the suburbs and had a tiny raised bed garden, green worms managed to find my little broccoli plant and camp out there and gross me out.  Out of all the millions of broccoli plants in the world, why mine?  

A current case in point.  I had planted strawberries when we first moved here, but when I went to pick them, there was a bite out of 75% of them by either a slug or a rolly polly bug (these are not as cute and innocent as they seem).  I finally gave up on them.  So two years ago I asked Bill to build me a raised bed strawberry garden to help combat the slugs. I bought 100 fresh and new strawberry plants, ordered from a reputable garden company.  It has worked. For slugs, anyway.   However, the first season they developed a fungus which causes the leaves to turn brown and dry up.  Even worse, the fruit becomes mummified.  I have tried to combat it with hydrogen peroxide, and even copper this winter, but it hasn't worked.  Besides the fungus, there are also ants building little condos underneath the plants so when they come up for air they have a nice little buffet spread out before them.  They will nibble the bottom of any strawberry touching the dirt.  This year, to add insult to injury, I also have to contend with bird attacks and spit bugs.  What is a spit bug, you ask?  Disgusting. That's what it is.  They leave blobs of spit all over the plant.  When I picked the first crop my arm was slimed all over. 

And now the birds are not content with attacking my blueberries and cherries.  They come in like stealth bombers and destroy previously lovely red berries, leaving a blood red path of destruction.

Yes, I do still get to enjoy many delicious berries, but it is certainly by painful back toil and the sweat of my brow (and the slime of my arm).

Proverbs 14:23 says, "In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty."  I guess I better stop complaining and get to work, especially in light of Proverbs 21:19, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."  Bill has been dreaming of Palm Springs an awful lot lately...

 

Beach Bum

After 26 days on the road, we wisely planned a one month recovery period - at the beach.  Balboa Island, Newport Beach specifically.  We chose this spot for several reasons:

1.  We love the beach.
2.  It's our daughter's last track season and we could catch the last 3 meets of her career.
3.  We love the beach.
4.  Our youngest son is here also.
5.  We love the beach.
6.  We found a great place to stay on Balboa Island. 
7.  We have lots of friends and family in the area.
8.  Did I mention we love the beach?

We decided this vacation would be a combination track-meet-watching, socializing, and early 25th anniversary trip.  That's how we justified the cost, anyway.  I first heard of Balboa Island last year when we were living in Fullerton and a group of women from church had a lunch outing here. 

Fun Facts about Balboa Island:  It has a perimeter of 2.6 miles, is 21 blocks long and 5 blocks wide.  It's a man-made island that was dredged and filled right before World War I.  The average dress size of the female island resident is 4.  Okay, I didn't find that last fact in the museum, but it was arrived at by deductive reasoning.  We go for a walk every day, and so do many of the residents.  That's where the similarities end.  These women all wear form-fitting leggings or yoga pants and tops.  These are not the loose-fitting, spare-tire-hiding tops I've come to wear.  There are no rolls to hide on their Pilate-perfect forms.  And I'm not just talking about 20 to 30-somethings.  I'm talking women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and I daresay 80s with perfect figures.  The only cottage cheese on this island is in the grocery store.  I don't know how they do it.  Maybe there's a Stepford Wives thing going on here...

We rented the top floor of a cute little house that was plenty roomy for us.  Things were a little outdated, however.  For example, the microwave was probably made when thongs were something you wore with bellbottoms - on your feet. 




We were welcomed with a nice hospitality gift

Though we were on vacation, daily exercise was a must.  Because you know, we're health nuts.  And, um, it helped us to rationalize frequent consumption of Balboa Bars, a gorgeous concoction of a square of vanilla ice cream on a stick, enrobed in chocolate something-or-other and rolled in your choice of toppings.  Chopped almonds and Heath Bar (not to be confused with health bar) for me, and peanuts and Choco-Jimmies for hubby.  How anyone would prefer little plasticky sprinkle things over chopped up toffee and chocolate is beyond my comprehension.  Oh, and there were also chocolate-dipped frozen bananas, also rolled in toppings.  I could never work there because I'd be dipping my finger in chocolate and rolling it in all the possible topping combinations daily.  You know, like a scientific study. 

So here we are riding our bikes to Corona Del Mar.  That was a fun ride until we got to the steep, steep hill that made my pedals freeze in mid-rotation so that I had to jump off and walk or fall over from lack of forward progression.




3 B days: Backpack chairs on bikes to beach

Other times we took our bikes on the ferry and rode up and down Newport Beach. 







Standing on the jetty on Corona Del Mar

Then there was the walking.  The unfortunate thing about walking around Balboa Island is you can't look out at the beauty of the harbor too much or you risk stepping in the residue of their most pampered residents.   It was beautiful, but you had to constantly look down for land mines.  Yes, they dutifully carried their plastic bags, but when the dog does the doo on the concrete, the doo goo leaves residue.  Hey, that brings out the Dr. Seuss in me:  It's true that I eschew the doo when the view is the hue of blue and there's a crew in a canoe on the Pacific stew.  I knew that the residue of the doo leaves a booboo like glue in which few can stand the piu.  Therefore, this Jew grew to pursue the steps without the curlicue of doo.

Okay, got that out of my system.  Back to those pampered residents.  I actually saw a dog riding in a basket with a purple dress and matching purple, flower-shaped sunglasses.  I wonder if she picked out her own outfit using the helpful Garanimals tags. 

My favorite man in front of one of my favorite houses

We never tired of looking out at the harbor

One other form of exercise that we tried 3 times was paddleboarding.  I've been wanting to try it for a while.  The problem is, I have this irrational fear of water, especially large bodies of water.  For instance, bigger than a kiddie pool and deeper than my height.  Knee-trembling fear made my forays on the water more challenging, but I eventually calmed down enough to paddle around and have a good time.  Of course, knowing my husband is an excellent swimmer and would save me if I fell in gave me more confidence too.  Eat your heart out, David Hasselhoff. 

So that was our wonderful, relaxing, fun-filled, chocolate-covered beach house vacation.  

Blessings:
1.  The landlords were super nice and invited us to stay for free when we come back for graduation, and even pick us up at the airport.
2.  We were able to spend time with many friends and family members.
3.  We had great weather.
4.  We were able to be there for our son's premiere and our daughter's track finals (where she finished with a flourish).
5.  My man. 

Road Trip: Conclusion

The Professor and Mary Ann

As their popularity increased, their agents must have had enough leverage to get the Gilligan's Island theme song revised to finally include their characters rather than "and the rest."  Likewise, I remembered a noteworthy stop in Georgia, a lovely state that I too quickly dismissed as just another state to traverse as expeditiously as possible.  Bill, being a golf nut, had to stop in Augusta to peek at the Masters golf course.  And peek was all he got.  We drove entirely around the golf course before figuring out there was one tiny little opening that was not hidden, gated or barb-wired.  He parked the car across the street and walked over with dad-in-law to get the chance to tiptoe on hallowed ground and capture this sojourn on film. 

There was a security guard in plain site in his booth right at the opening who cheerfully greeted my husband.  Bill stared awestruck at Magnolia Lane.  Dad-in-law wanted to get a better picture for Bill by walking down Magnolia Lane and taking a picture from the other end.  After taking about 3 steps past the guard shack and unable to hear warnings, an unseen police officer sprinted out from the golf version of  NORAD and almost tackled this 85-year-old saboteur to quell the threat.  Augusta National Golf Club raises exclusive to a new level. 


After zipping through GA and AL, we stopped in Vicksburg, MS because Bill is a Civil War buff.  I was sobered by this huge park dedicated to the memory and history of the siege that turned the war to the Union army's advantage.  Almost 20,000 Americans were killed or wounded during the campaign and 47 day siege. 

From Mississippi we sashayed through the corner of Louisiana and returned to Arkansas to see a long lost nephew of Bill's.  The reunion was sweet. 

These Boots are Made for Walking

We then returned to Ft. Worth to kick our heels up, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, wait till the cows come home, and all that cowboy stuff.  I spent another great evening with my Cohen cuz and her family, then got up early to ride my longhorn to the Justin boot factory. 

Just ignore those steps.  I really leapt onto it. 

 

After about 8 cumulative hours of trying boots on in the southern states, I finally chose a pair that I loved and Bill chose two!

Finally, we were on the home stretch.  We decided to stay in Carlsbad, New Mexico because 1) We were hoping to see some of the Carlsbad Caverns, and 2) We couldn't bear the thought of repeating the same long, dreary drive across west Texas to El Paso.  Granted, the roads to New Mexico are only slightly less bleak, but it was a new bleak.  So we are trucking along a vast stretch of flat, repetitive landscape on little Highway 176 in New Mexico when all of a sudden this appears:

There was nuth-ing in sight.  No people, no cows, no sheep, no armadillos - dead or alive (which, by the way, I was very disappointed not to see).  I thought it might be a candid camera gag.  Or bored residents who would get a good laugh out of watching people stop at a red light in the middle of miles and miles of nothingness.  We sat there.  Cars started piling up behind us.  Suddenly a big dirt hauling truck barreled past us blatantly ignoring the red light. We sat there.  Another dirt truck barreled by.  We sat there.  Another dirt truck drove past, and then a few people behind us who were tired of this twisted joke.  But like good law-abiding citizens, we sat there.  Finally after about 20 minutes a small pilot truck was seen in the distance kicking up dust.  He led a long line of cars toward us and then finally we got to follow him out of no-man's land time out.  I never did see the light turn green, though. 

I guess they were repaving the road because when we arrived at our hotel, our entire car, including the bikes on the back were repaved too.  It looked like crazed monkeys had flung beige mashed potatoes all over and under our car. 

The Stats

Over 8000 miles traveled.
13 different states.
4 relatives reunited.
2 boat tours.
2 ostentatious house tours.
1 sweet experience

Blessings:

• We thought we had a good plan.  God had a better plan.
• Our truck broke down the first day of the trip and we were able to regroup.
• We avoided almost all the bad weather.
• Our hotel angel made our lodging very affordable and very comfortable.
• Visits with loved ones spread far and wide.
• In-laws that I like and love and who put up with me.
• Husband that I love even more.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Road Trip: Chapter VI

Charleston, y'all

Ever since I saw Gone With The Wind when I was about 11 I've wanted to see a plantation.  I also wished I had a charming accent so I could make one syllable words into two.  "Oh Ray-ett, I do declay-uh!"  We did visit Boone Hall plantation in Mt. Pleasant, but I was disappointed because it didn't look exactly like Tara, although the tree-lined drive was perfect. 

 

 

If you haven't seen the movie you have to watch it.  Then watch Carol Burnett in her spoof, "Went With The Wind."  One of my favorite sketches.

 

 

 





 

Of course the sad part of plantations is that their very existence thrived and depended on the whipped backs of slaves.  We spent a good deal of time going through slave row as well.

Bimbo Bisque

Part of our travel experience always involves sampling local specialties.  Our tour book said we MUST try she-crab soup, shrimp and grits (gree-its) and Huguenot torte.  So try we must!  We scored all three with a good recommendation to Fleet Landing right on the water in Charleston.  The shrimp and grits were good, but the she-crab soup and Huguenot torte were amazing.  The torte wasn't really a torte, nor was it Huguenot, but when you're stuffing warm apples and pecans and sugar and rich vanilla ice cream into your mouth, who really cares?  Now if I were to have a soup that comes from girl crabs only, I would name it Bimbo Bisque just so I could have a good laugh every time someone ordered it.  Go ahead, try it and keep a straight face. 

And the rest...

We took another boat tour, this time of the Charleston Harbor, including Fort Sumter.  Don't know why, but they love to brag that they started the war.  Speaking of tours, remember when the Gilligan's Island theme song totally dissed the Professor and Mary Ann by saying, "And the rest"?  Well I'm not trying to dis Georgia or Alabama, but we just drove through them too quickly to glean anything noteworthy about those fine states.  Besides, I didn't see any machinery made entirely out of bamboo and coconuts. 

Blessings:
Good food with good company.
Beautiful weather in Charleston.
We came back from our "3 hour tour."

Road Trip: Chapter V

Beautiful Babies

If there were a climax to our trip, it was our stop in Maryland to see children and grandchildren.  It was also the turn-around point. Bill's parents had not yet met the youngest one and hadn't seen the other one since she was a wee bairn.  She's still just a tater tot but with more personality and expression than a Disney sitcom and a whole lot cuter.  You'll have to take my word for it or look on my Facebook page.  I've graduated from "Grandpa Jo" to "Grandma Jo" since we last saw them.  Besides good company and good food, we also enjoyed a snow fall from the comfort of their house.  It was a brisk morning but clear roads on our way out of town. 

The Next Ville

So as I was walking into a truck stop "super" store for the umpteenth time for a pit stop, I was trying to remember which state it was that I saw the silliest sign I've ever seen in a bathroom stall.  There was a hook on the door, as women expect, but with a plaque underneath that said, "Hang purse here."  I was thinking, "What on earth else would you do with a hook on the back of a bathroom stall?"  Hang your baby by his overalls?   That would keep him from peeking under the stall at others or touching things on the floor too scary to describe!  Genius!  Honestly, I don't think they give Arkansas women enough credit. 

Back to the car: From North Potomac, MD we made a bee line (well a drunken bee line because there was no straight shot over the mountains) for Asheville.  There we spent a very enjoyable evening with a cousin from the Potter side of my family.  I've always considered myself very Cohen-y looking so I was quite surprised when I looked at this picture and saw how Potter-y I look.  What do you think?

 

 

Asheville's main attraction is an 8000 acre estate built by George Vanderbilt in 1895.  Since the weather was not conducive to strolling through downtown or hiking, this was about our only choice.  It's not that I didn't want to see it, but the entrance fee was outrageous.  Bill and I forked over not just an arm and a leg but some vital organs too for the privilege.  It was beautiful and impressive.  The most fun we had was imagining life through the eyes of Downton Abbey fans - us.  The house was set up similarly to Highclere Castle and the lifestyle seemed to fit the same era. 



Biltmore Estate

Blessings:
Healthy children and grandchildren.
Reuniting with my Potter cousin and family.
Purse/baby hangers in bathrooms.

Road Trip: Chapter IV

The Star of Texas

“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell”
― Philip Henry Sheridan, Union General

Don't get me wrong, I love Texas and Texans, but after driving 600 miles through west Texas, I can picture condos popping up on Lucifer Lane.  Notably, every little town we passed, no matter how small, boasted a Dairy Queen and a Walmart.  There's a contrast between heaven and hell for me right there.  Who knew the spiritual battles going on between El Paso and Ft. Worth?

The highlight of our brief stay in Ft. Worth was reuniting with one of my 3 Cohen cousins after 44 years.  I know precious little about my Cohen genealogy because my dad parceled out words more stingily than Trump doles out tact. 


I hope to see her again and more of Ft. Worth on the way back.








Elvis is in the House

Even though I only remember Elvis as a bedazzled polyester, onesie-wearing entertainer, I've always wanted to see Graceland.  That was my priority for Memphis.  We all enjoyed a history-narrated river cruise on the "Miz-sippi" and a stroll down blues central Beale Street.  Since I was the only one willing to shell out for the tour I was going to go alone while the others chilled in the hotel, but my sweet husband felt sorry for me and tagged along.  He was very glad he did because it was very impressive and fun, and even ran into an Elvis impersonator who made the yearly pilgrimage to Graceland with pious dedication.

The highlights for Nashville were BBQ, music and accents, y'all.  The driver of the free golf cart taxi asked me "Do y'all have a dogue?"  A what?  "A dogue."  Then whips out his phone while driving and scrolls through his pictures to show me his dogue.  A white terrier.  Our regular taxi ride ended up costing more than we planned since my phone fell out of my purse when I got out and had to pay another fare for him to bring it back.  My phone has now taken a plane ride and taxi ride by itself.  I will need to guard it closely on my next cruise as I refuse to send my phone on the Love Boat by itself.

Blessings:
Seeing my cousin.
I got my phone back within the hour.
I don't own Texas OR hell.

Road Trip: Chapter III

Possibilities

Peyton Manning said: "I’m totally convinced that the end of my football career is just the beginning of something I haven’t even discovered yet. Life is not shrinking for me, it’s morphing into a whole new world of possibilities." I realize that retiring a travel trailer is not as significant as retiring a career, but for my in-laws, it is the end of a camping era in their lives, which spills over into our lives, as well, not only on this trip but in the future.  I believe I speak for their 8 children, spouses, 21 grandchildren, and 13 great-grandchildren that we have spent many happy days sitting around the campfire, playing cards, hiking and just generally enjoying their company and generosity.  May this new chapter in their lives bring possibilities and not shrinkage.

But I didn't Inhale

Enough sap.  Since we had to part with the truck and trailer, titles had to be found and obtained in order to part with them legally and financially.  Due to wonderful neighbors, the pink slips were found and dutifully shipped through UPS at an exorbitant price in order to arrive by 10:30 the next morning.  We were driving 8 hours to Carlsbad, New Mexico and had to leave at a decent hour.  We carefully instructed the sender to put mother-in-law's name and our specific camping space number on the package, as well as the address of the resort, who assured us they would accept packages for us. 

Around 10:30 the menfolk went to the office to see if the package had arrived.  The silly girl posing as a helpful employee informed them the package had arrived not 10 minutes ago but she refused it because father-in-law's name wasn't on it.  Understand that when we checked in they carefully recorded all four of our names in the computer, as well as wrote out name badges that we were required to wear at all times (we didn't need no stinkin' badges, but they didn't listen).  Since Bill had a brief stint as a man in brown, he knew UPS protocol was to attempt delivery at the space first, then the office if no one was there.  Plus, he also knew that the desk clerk could call the driver back since he wouldn't be far away.  She promised she would and would give the driver Bill's phone number.  The driver never called. 

Through many phone calls in which I had to put on my bossy pants voice to get them to understand how important it was that we get it NOW and not in 4 more hours as they offered, we finally arranged to meet the driver "very close to where we were," which turned out to be 15 miles away in the wrong direction of where we were going.  Bill and the driver stepped into the Walgreen's parking lot with fingers itching to draw.  They assumed the stance, eyed each other, then Bill took the first shot. 

Bill: I worked for UPS before and I know the protocol is to deliver to the site first.
Driver (with a rude attitude): There wasn't a site number on it.
Bill:  It says 3-155 on it.
Driver (Calling his assistant in for back-up and butt coverage):  Bring me the package. (Looks at package).  Oh, it is on there.  Well we had a bad morning. 
Kablam!

No apology, no admittance of guilt.  That reminds me of a famous line from Bill Clinton:
"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." –TWO times, but didn't inhale.  When we later asked for a refund of our express package fee, the driver told his superiors that there was no site number on it, therefore we didn't qualify.  Didn't these people watch Little Rascals?  Don't they know that lies always come back to bite you?

Moving On

 
Guess where we are now?  Texas is too big to be the end of a blog.  Next installment: Elvis is in the house.

Blessings:
A little angel is helping us with affordable hoteling.
Still have not gotten rained on despite thunderstorms and flooding around us.
Chalupa-free beds.

Road Trip: Chapter II

Plan B

Of all the things I thought could go wrong with this trip, I never envisioned leaving our little traveling home behind.  In the words of eloquent poets everywhere, "Whodathunk?"  I guess "wrong" isn't the correct word.  More like involuntary revision.  Kind of like when you write a paper that you think is absolutely amazing, A+ worthy even, and the teacher slashes it in cruel, red ink.  It wasn't my plan, but it's a better plan. 

How do I know?  Well first of all, I just heard that storms have ravaged Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas, the very states we would have journeyed through had we not broken down inside of Arizona.  Not just rain, but tornadoes, flooding and torrential rain.  I consider what a merciful God we have to have saved us from that situation. 

Second, even when a wrench is thrown into my plans and I pout and shuffle my feet and hold a pity party (complete with chocolate cake or Ho-Hos or anything else I feel I "deserve"), I know that God has something better for me. 

Now, so much has happened in the last week I believe I will have to break this up into two chapters, rather than give you the whole Megillah.  I left you with a cliff hanger...over the Grand Canyon.  As all who have seen it can testify, it is breathtaking.  The weather, again, praise you Lord, was perfect.  It had snowed an hour before we arrived, but when we got up the next morning it was sunny and lovely, and no wind storm as some had predicted. 

Sunset at Hopi Point

As mentioned before, we stayed in Williams.  It should have been obvious, but the signage was sketchy and we couldn't figure out which way to the Grand Canyon.  Some local yokels right out of a John Grisham novel, complete with long stringy hair and a pickup truck saw us studying our maps.  I guess the cows had already been tipped, because it was apparently hilarious to back up their truck, rev it, drive right at us, then tip back their heads in guffaws.  Back up, repeat.  They did this until we decided to drive off.  These were not teenagers, people.  We then pulled over in a hillbilly-free zone and a nice man pointed the way.

 

The Fate of the Vehicles

 Unfortunately, the truck had to go to the bone yard.  At least the very nice man at Ford found us a salvage buyer and my father-in-law eked a few dollars out of it.  We had some happenstance encounters with other people at the RV park that we thought would turn into a decent sale price for the 5th wheel, but they didn't come to fruition. In the end, the Ford man hooked us up with the RV man and he took it off our hands, although for half what it was worth.  Still, he towed it for us and is generously holding it on consignment. 

 

We will all miss the 5th wheel.  It was very nice to have everything within reach and unpacked.  However, I will not miss the sleeping arrangements.  The first night Bill and I slept on a deflating air mattress on top of a thin sofabed mattress, on top of a stretched out canvas frame.  It was like sleeping in a hammock.  I had to claw my way up to my side of the bed.  We were kind of like a people taco.  Except that we're not as skinny as a taco so we were more like a chalupa.  What's that new one?  A Quesalupa.  That was us: hot, fat, sticky chalupa.  The next night we brought out a bigger air mattress and put it on the floor.  It was more like a tostada - much more comfortable.

 

I will have to finish the rest of this later, but just know that we celebrated when we left the State of Arizona.  In the next chapter...UPS driver from H-E double toothpicks.

 

Blessings:

Good, even perfect weather.

Helpful and honest car salesman (really!)

We don't live in Williams.

 

 

 

 

 

Road Trip: Chapter I

What's All That Smoke?

I promised to try to chronicle my 6,000 mile, 25-day trip from Chandler, AZ to North Potomac, MD and back with the caveat of writing only "if something interesting happens."  In the lingo of Emeril Lagasse: "Bam!"  First the basics:

Vehicle of transport: One 2002 White Ford 250 pickup truck.

Traveling home: 32' Hitch Hiker II fifth wheel.

Passengers:  Me, husband Bill, mother-in-law and father-in-law. 

The weather was perfect as my family picked me up from a weekend with high school friends in Chandler, Arizona.  Bill had driven our truck down to Palm Springs to play golf with a friend, and the in-laws had driven the 5th wheel to Arizona where they all met up in Williams, left Bill's truck and drove to pick me up.  We had driven only about 120 miles on our adventure when the engine suddenly quit and white smoke started pouring out of the exhaust.  Thankfully it died just before a freeway exit that boasted a campground.  We were 40 miles east of Tucson, the last big city, but thought we might find some help in this little hamlet.  The name of said town shall remain nameless to protect the toothless.  That's right, the residents we encountered were very nice and somewhat helpful, but just dentally challenged.  Because it was a Sunday afternoon, the car repair shops were all closed, and strangely enough there were 3 of them right together.  There was some dirt and gravel with "RV Park" posted on it that charged $18 a night. 

When we first drove into town we thought we might try to stay at the RV Gravel Park so we limped into the lot, bellowing increasingly black smoke, dripping a black substance, and emitting a burning stench.  We realized too late that we had pulled into the wrong lot and were trapped.  We called AAA to tow us to the lot next door.  After calling them and noting that there were more dogs in town than people, we thought we'd be better off getting towed all the way back to Tucson.  My father-in-law was especially wary of having some Jethro work on his truck. 

AAA sent Little Doug* of Big Doug's towing.  He was a very nice guy and really went out of his way for us.  He towed the truck to the Ford dealer in Tucson and said Big Doug would come with a hitch for the 5th wheel.  Big Doug showed up after an hour or so and struggled to fit a square peg into a round hole for an hour before he declared he had the wrong kind of hitch and would go get another one.  Three hours had passed by then and we were hungry so we ate dinner in our trailer while we waited for Big Doug to return.  He didn't.  Finally we get a call from Little Doug stating that Big Doug didn't have the right hitch and he would come back with a different truck and tow our camper to Tucson also.  He even offered to have his wife drive us in her car so we wouldn't have to ride in the camper while it was being towed.  We declined his kind offer. 

So me, mom and husband got situated in the camper.  Mom sitting at the table, me lying on the couch (with a tummy ache) and Bill sitting at the end of the couch.  It was kind of like those cartoons when somebody makes a loud noise and the character lifts off the chair.  We fully lifted off the couch several times and dropped back down again.  Mom had to put a pillow on the table to pad her descent back to the table. 

Five and a half hours after our first call to AAA we were settled into an RV Park back in Tucson.  The repair shop is apparently so busy they couldn't even look at our truck today to diagnose the problem, so we decided to upend our trip and go visit the Grand Canyon now instead of at the end of our travels as planned.  We rented a car and are poised to visit that big old crack tomorrow, in the snow even!

We spent months and months planning this trip, but as my father-in-law says about planning ahead, "I don't even buy green bananas."

Blessings: 
We were safe when the engine died.
The weather was nice.
We know a great place for dentists looking for new patients.


*Name changed

Peace Like A River

One of my dear friends has asked me to post more blogs, but honestly I have had nothing of import to say.  Sadly, I think that means that I haven't been close enough to God lately to hear him whispering in my ear.  Actually he was shouting at me this summer to resign my position on the Women's Ministry Team, but I in my great wisdom thought He must have been mistaken and dragged it out for a few more months before finally doing so.  Of course it was the right decision and added to my being stripped down (see previous posts). 

 

What has prompted this post is another bout of fasting, which in the Biblical mandate is meant to draw you closer to God, seek wisdom and answer to prayer, and understand His plan for you.  I set aside 3 days of fasting and praying because I needed peace about a decision Bill and I had already made about traveling for two months this spring.  Backwards, I know.  I'm supposed to pray and fast BEFORE I make the decision, but alas that is not how it played out, and as a consequence, I was having an attitude and fear problem.  As I sit here on day 3 with my stomach rumbling in the background and my mind a little foggy and addled, I have heard from my faithful God.

 

I specifically asked God to work on my selfishness, greed, independent spirit and fear. 

 

1.  How to combat selfishness.  This is Paul speaking:

 

          If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.   Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in  human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and  became obedient to death - even death on a cross.  Philippians 2:1-8

How can I complain about some inconvenience or discomforts when my Lord was willing to be obedient to death?

 2.  Opposite of greed - generosity:  To me generosity is both submitting yourself to God's will and trusting God to provide so you don't feel the need to hang onto things.  God brought me to these verses:

 

          So do not worry saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6: 31, 33

Interestingly, God also gave me Matthew 6:33 when I was panicking about moving to California suddenly for 5 months last year.  My mind is not a steel trap but a sieve.  We have a saying at our house: The mind is a terrible thang.  And a common retort to "I was thinking..." is "Does it hurt?"

Anyway, when I lie awake at night "hyperplanning" as I call it, I am not seeking God's kingdom first, but my own.  Not God's righteousness, but my own.  Isaiah so graphically told us that "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags."  Hold onto your delicate ears, but he's talking about used Tampax.  Ick.  Seek Him first and await His provision, which has never disappointed, and not grab what I can for myself. 

 

3.  How to combat my independent spirit - dependence on God.  I came across these verses:

 

          If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt.  James 1:5-6a

 

          I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song. Isaiah 12:2b

 

          But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in  weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

 

4:  Opposite of fear - trust and peace.  I came across these verses:

 

          This is what the Lord says...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  Isaiah 43:1

 

          The Lord gives strength to His people, the Lord blesses His people with peace. Psalm 29:11

 

          Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.  Isaiah 43:5

This last verse is significant to me because we are traveling from west to east to visit children and back again.

 

And my personal favorite, which a friend just posted on FB yesterday:

 

          May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

 

I was reading Psalm 29 from my Moravian text daily reading.  It focuses on praising and worshipping God. So I got out an old hymnal and just opened it up randomly, looking for a song I recognized (I was not raised in the church so don't know that many hymns).  I opened to the section labeled "Assurance and Trust."  Perfect, I thought, but I don't know any of these songs.  I flipped forward a few pages - nope.  I flipped back 2 pages and landed on my very favorite hymn of all time: It Is Well With My Soul.  I can rarely sing this hymn without crying because God brought it to mind when my father died and it is very meaningful to me.  The first verse:

 

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. 

 

Couldn't have said it better. 

Coda: I woke up on the 4th day feeling like Scrooge on Christmas morning.  I actually woke up with a smile, despite not having slept well the last 3 nights (I understand now when people say they were so hungry they couldn't sleep).  I was ready and raring to go.  Eager to buy a goose for the Cratchits and a new crutch for Tiny Tim.  As I emptied my stomach and my soul, the God of hope had filled with me with all joy and peace so that I was and am overflowing with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.