Call Me Old Fashioned

Ma Bell

Remember the good ol' days when there were operators sitting at a large console counting, "One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy?"  Okay, I don't either, but I do remember dialing 7 numbers to call my friends, and it stunk if they had a lot of 9s and 0s in their numbers because if your finger slipped you had to start all over again.  And in every teenage-infested American household could be heard some form of this plea: "Get off the phone!"  (Many with an added expletive to emphasize their exasperation.)  You see, young ones, only one person in each household could be on the phone at one time.  I know, an impossible scenario to imagine but it's true.  So if there were 3 or more girls per house, there would be some serious cat fighting for phone time.  Nowadays you can insult your sister by text in the next room while sending cute pics of yourself to your boyfriend and scan your Likes on Facebook all at the same time.  What progress!

These telephonic ponderings were brought on by a call to our phone/internet/cable carrier to try to lower our bill.  Everything is "bundled" these days for a "lower price," so I was wondering what our cost would be if we eliminated our land line.  I admit that I'm attached to it like an umbilical lifeline.  I can't imagine my house without the phone hooked up to actual cables that attach to our house.  I have many good reasons why we should keep it.

1.  In case of emergency, we know it doesn't have to be charged so it will always be there.
2.  We've had this number for 14 years so if someone we haven't seen in a long time decides to try to get ahold of us they have the same number.
3.  If everyone got rid of their land lines then there could be no more thrillers in which the bad guy cuts the phone lines so the poor helpless inhabitant can freak out. And remember When A Stranger Calls?  Only the best thriller ever.  At least for those of us who ever babysat.
4.  It gives the telemarketers someone to torture.

So despite my fear of progress, I posed the question.  The young man -- I'll call him Melvin -- informed me I could cut $12 off my bill by going to a "basic" phone that allowed for free incoming calls and 5 cents a minute for all outgoing calls in Oregon.
Me:  That sounds good.  How much for calls outside of Oregon?
Mel: I don't know.
Me:  Uh, that's not going to do it for me.  I need to know how much I'll be charged to use my phone.
Mel: Uhhh...
Me:  Can you perhaps ask someone?
Mel:  Okay.
10 minutes later...
Mel: So it looks like all outgoing calls are 5 cents a minute, I think.
Me: You think?
Mel:  Yeah.
Me:  (Sigh), okay. Let's do it.  But before that can you tell me why my bill went up to $121?
Mel: I show that the last bill you paid was $119.
Me: Okay, well I can't find that one.  All I know is for February and March I was charged $121.
Mel: So you want to pay $2.00 more?
Me: No, I want to know why I was charged $2.00 more. 
Mel: I don't know.  I can only see your last bill. 
Me: But surely you have the information somewhere.  I mean, you are my telephone and internet company and you specialize in communication, right?
Mel: I'm sorry, ma'am but I can only see this one bill.  But I don't understand, do you want to pay $2.00 more?
Me:  Nevermind.  Thanks.

See how far we've come!