Desperado

Ouch

I blame my pastor.  Is that the opposite of saying, "The devil made me do it?"  Okay, let me back up. 

I woke up Sunday morning with a bit of a sore back, but nothing out of the ordinary for this quickly deteriorating body.  However, after church I made a poor decision to dig out compost from the great pile 'o' poop in the goat pen Sunday afternoon.  I came in very sore and suddenly unable to put my pants on.  It was exacerbated throughout the day until I was a complete invalid, shrieking in pain at any movement that involved my spine.  I have never experienced pain like this.  Even the most basic of human needs, using the bathroom, became a journey of exquisite torture. 

After 48 hours on my back in bed I was incrementally better - well enough to sit up on the couch.  However, the littlest of movements still caused sharp pain, so not only did Bill have to help me with my activities of daily living (medical jargon for feeding, clothing and bathing oneself), but he also had to pick up all my chores.  These included caring for goats, chickens and cat and all the tender plants we had just planted, plus picking ripening fruit.  And don't forget my daily chore of nagging the son.  I would've needed a megaphone to do that from my bed. 

Since I have been unable to bend down for anything, I actually have gotten quite dexterous at using my toes.  These are my newly acquired pedally-motored skills: sorting laundry, picking up clothes off the floor, petting the cat, pulling out the dishwasher rack, pulling weeds, and even texting! 

So, back to my initial statement.  I blame my pastor because of the sermon he gave that morning.  It was innocently enough titled, "The Filling of the Holy Spirit 2."  (I missed Holy Spirit 1 so I couldn't tell you what it was about, but if it was directed by J.J. Abrams I'm sure it was a blockbuster.)  The premise was that receiving the Holy Spirit at the point of salvation was not the same as being filled with the Spirit.  Then he gave the steps to being filled:
1. Repent in regard to Jesus (if you haven't already).
2. Repent in regard to sin: renounce your sin and indulgences. Turn away from them.
3. Be obedient - marked by surrender.
4. Desire more.  We must be unsatisfied before God will satisfy us, and here's the kicker - we must be desperate before God can fill us. 

It's that word, "desperate," I blame him for.  I've never felt more desperate than I have lying on my back, totally helpless to even roll over without excruciating pain.  Desperate to make the pain go away. Desperate to get up and take a hot shower.  Desperate to take care of myself.  Desperate to walk outside. Desperate to have my body functioning at the normal frantic pace I keep.  Desperate to do what I want to do.  That's the point, isn't it?  Sometimes God needs to yank the rug out from under us to drag our attention away from ourselves.  And I landed flat on my back. 

One of my biggest frustrations with injuries is having to stop my usual exercise.  Not only do I hate to have my muscles atrophy, but I was also teaching two dance cardio classes a week and about to start a third.  I have to admit that I obsess about my body in an unhealthy way.  I read these verses this morning:

"Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."  1 Timothy 4:7-8

What?  You mean focus on eternal things rather than superficial?  But it's so much easier to focus on what is in front of me.  Something we always say at our house is, "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."  And going back to #4, there's that part about being unsatisfied so God can fill us.  Remember that refrain that moms everywhere tell their kids?  "Don't fill up on junk before dinner!"  Why?  Because we want them to be filled with the good stuff that will give them energy, help them grow and be healthy.  We want them to come to the table unsatisfied so we can satisfy their hunger in a way that is best for them and their future. 

Bear with me while I take this analogy a little further.  Imagine mom (June) does not warn child (Dick) to wait for dinner.  Dick eats two Ding Dongs and a bowl of Captain Crunch one hour before dinner.  June sets a lovely dinner before Dick containing the 4 Food Groups (I was raised in the 70s, y'all), and he just picks at it and eats a little.  Is Dick satisfied?  Sure.  But the sugary food will leave him short of what he needs to grow and be healthy, and increase their dental bill to boot. If he had waited until dinner time, he would have been desperate for food and eaten all he needed.

Eight Weeks Later...

It has been 8 weeks since the injury and I thought by now I would have some pat, clever and sagely witty ending to this story.  Alas, I don't.  I still sit here with mostly bearable twinges of pain, unsure how to progress physically, and awaiting a spiritual lightning bolt that would rouse choruses of Praise the Lord!   Until then, my prayer will be this from Psalm 90:14-15:

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.