Stranded at Costco

I had just come inside from doing chores when the house phone rang.  Anticipating a political call urging me to vote for (fill in the blank), I hesitantly said, "Hello?"  It was my husband who said, "You haven't checked the messages."  Sure enough there were 6 messages from him on the phone.  The poor guy had blown up a tire on the freeway and careened over to an offramp where he sat, waiting for me to answer the phone since only I have AAA service.

He tried to change the tire himself but the design for reaching the spare tire on a Chevy Silverado requires a degree from MIT, or at least parts that work together.  I called AAA and quickly jumped in my car to rescue him.  He had to go to practice so I stayed with the truck.  And so the adventure begins.

I'm looking for a place to sit down on a concrete barrier to get out of the way of traffic when I realize he had pulled up right next to an ominous pile.  Someone had pulled over to "toss their cookies."  From the looks of it though, I would say it was a family-size combo pizza.  Yeah, gross. Guess I'll just remain standing, thanks.  The tow truck driver arrives promptly since our location isn't "safe," which is a nice change.  He lacks aforementioned college degree also because he couldn't get the long stick thing to connect with the internal gadget thing to turn the windy thing.  (You can tell that I have a college degree, can't you?)

The only thing to do is tow us to Costco where Bill had bought the tires.  I guess the tire was too young to have blown because they only charge me $18 to replace it.  Yay!  But I would have to wait an hour.  Boo! I rushed out of the house so quickly I didn't bring any reading material.  Dang.  What to do, what to do.

Hmm, nothing at the food court tempts me.  It is so nice outside I decide to walk around the strip mall to see if there is a yogurt place or something interesting to look at.  Tried Hobby Town.  No, I don't need a premade paper mache horse set for $44.95, nor do I want to build a model car.  I know, Pier 1 has fun things to look at.  I trek on over to the store and step inside.  I almost let out a blood-curdling scream!  The horror of it all!! No, it isn't a mechanical Halloween monster.  It is a store completely filled with...Christmas decor!  I nearly vomit a combo pizza.  I stumble back out the door and turn swiftly back to Costco.

By the time I get back I have really worked up an appetite.  I see people chewing so I know there must be samples somewhere nearby.  Yes!  Stuffing Bread.  Don't ask me what it's made of but it tastes like heaven.  Brazilia Cheesy Bread.  Ooh, baby.  Prime Beef Roast in Gravy.  Soo savory.  Hot dogs in canned chili.  Ick.  Skip that one.  I'm not that desperate.

So now that I've tracked down all the free food, what to do, what to do.  Well I need a new cell phone.  Let's see what they have to offer.  On the way to the kiosk I notice a toilet with the lid open and thought, "Hope no one thinks THAT'S a demo."  Hip cell phone dude is nice enough but not that interested in me because I am looking for the cheapo phone.  Well that killed 5 minutes.

I know!  I remember seeing some really comfy chairs recently.  I can pick out an interesting book and curl up in a comfy chair for the rest of the time.  Let's see, political book, political book, Geisha girl book, tattoo girl book, political book.  Nothing looks appealing.  Ooh, cookbooks - real possibility.  Wait!  Learn American Sign Language.  Yes!  I can learn, oh, probably 20 words in the time I have.  I grab the book and head for the "lounge" section.  Where are the comfy chairs?  The stuffed couches?  The backyard swings? Apparently since Christmas is imminently around the corner, all the furniture was replaced with toys and giant tacky lawn decorations. (Don't worry, I'm not talking about YOUR lawn decorations.  I'm sure they are very tasteful and understated.)

There!  There's a bench.  Oh, it's a piano bench to an electric keyboard. Hey, it's on.  What can I play?  Virtually nothing without sheet music, and even then, my kids would probably pay me not to play.  Well, I used to know The Peanuts theme song by heart.  I plunk around for a few minutes before I realize I've even forgotten that.  So much for my repertoire.  Since it is the only seat I see in the whole store, I just set up the sign language book on the piano and study it.  I am actually too embarrassed to practice the signs lest someone I know see me and wonder why I am sitting at a keyboard in Costco in the toy section waving my hands around my face. Okay, nailed it!  I can sign "good, bad, movie, me, us, the letter K and 21."  However, if actually put to the test I might accidentally say something like, "The tribe has spoken."  Wouldn't that be embarrassing.

Now that I'm an accomplished signer I'm bored.  I stand up to get a different book when I run into a friend.  After a few minutes I can tell she's trying to get away but I'm grasping at things to ask so she won't leave me alone where Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don't we?  Sigh.

I meander back to the book section by way of Pendleton boots (ooh soft), and Calvin Klein denim shirt (so fashion).  They had a large display of Jesus Calling books by Sarah Young, including Jesus Always and Jesus Today, daily devotional books.  I open Jesus Today and look for today's date, October 22.  This one, however, isn't set up that way.  Instead, I randomly open to page 76 and catch my breath.  The subject is "worry," the very thing that has kept me up nights for the last month.  It says, "If you think about certain things at the wrong time - for example, when you're lying in bed - it's all too easy to start worrying about them.  Instead...you can interrupt anxious thoughts and change the subject." Then it goes on to tell you to redirect your thoughts, and the best direction is toward God by expressing your trust in Him.  Last Sunday I listened to a man speak about living day by day and being thankful for every one.  This man is and has been undergoing unbelievable trials and yet is joyful.  He said, "Live for today and leave the future to God."

While I'm still standing in front of the books mulling over these thoughts, my phone rings: the truck is ready.  My adventure has come to a close.  Though it wasn't how I planned to spend my afternoon, apparently I needed to read that page.  So thank you, honey, for having a flat tire.  I think I'll go practice the piano now...without sign language.

Why The Olympics Make Me Fat

My family would call me a TV snob. I generally feel that TV watching is not a productive use of one's time.  I make an exception for my favorite show, Jeopardy, because I feel like it's informative and educational, and Wheel of Fortune, because I have to boost my ego back up after being trounced by 22-year-old prodigies.  Other than that, I may watch the news while cooking dinner. 

But oh, the Olympics.  I am fascinated by these people who are so dedicated to their sport and training, and love to see the product of that determination.  Of course, I'm not really impressed with all of them.  You know what I'm talking about.  As Jimmy Fallon gave the real descriptions of Olympic sports, curling is really just aggressive janitoring.  I don't deny it takes skill, but if it takes athleticism, I'm an athletic mopper. 

Most nights I make Bill tired just by watching my constant activity, but here I am, hour after hour, night after night, sitting on the couch watching TV.  I have always been a stickler for eating dinner at the dining room table, but because many of the events happen during dinner time we have set up TV trays -- TV trays!!! -- in front of our little dual recliner love seat.  I guess we are officially old fuddy duddies.  Next thing you know we'll be ordering denture cream and adult diapers from Walmart by the caseload (nothing wrong with that, I just want to keep pretending I'm younger than I am).

Now because I'm not used to sitting for hours on end, I keep looking for reasons to get up and move, or something to do besides just sit here and use my eyeballs.  I need to move more body parts than that.  You'd think that calisthenics or something healthy would occur to me.  Not so.  Instead, my new Olympic sport is snacking!  That uses my mouth, my hands, and my stomach, and takes good hand-eye coordination.  I have to be VERY careful not to drop any crumbs on my new couch while keeping my eyes firmly set on the TV.  That would be a penalty and I'd be sent to the penalty box (uncomfortable chair). 

How many different snacks can I find and consume in 5 hours of spectating?  Let me tell you, I've become a professional at Combine.  I can power through newly discovered but forgotten Christmas peanut butter balls from the freezer and THEN slalom my way through Boom Chicka Pop kettle corn, knocking all those stray kernels off the couch.  What about Ice Cream Cross?  Don't cross me, buddy, or I'll send your scoop flying off the mountain, uh, bowl.  Figure skating?  My figure is fast becoming a Sally-cow with a family-sized bag of puffy Cheetos.  I can get my HEART rate up by snarfing leftover Valentine chocolate while going for the Gold -- covered chocolate coins, that is.  I wonder if other Olympians suffer from couch sores?  I guess it's just all part of the training, and thankfully I have my trusty trainer sitting next to me.    

Adding to all this Olympic-sized indulgence is the snow fall and chilly weather we have had all week.  The roaring fire and cozy sweats have encouraged my sloth and scarf attitude.  No figure-fitting spanx for me.  Loose sweats and slippers are my uni and I wear it proud.  Go USA!




Olympic snacking in action